Dilbert on Corporate Jargon
Dilbert text and
images by Scott Adams, © copyright United Feature Syndicate, Inc., 2005
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DILBERT
EXAMPLES IN EVERYDAY CORPORATE LIFE Here are some
real-life "Dilbertisms" that may inspire you in this course.
(Source: "Irony Lives!" compliments of craigpark.com;
http://www.craigpark.com/home/words/Irony %20Lives/dilbert.htm) Copyright ©
1999, 2000, 2001, 2002 craig park and craigpark.com. All rights reserved. "As of
tomorrow, employees will be able to access the building only using individual
security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will
receive their cards in two weeks." -- Microsoft Corp. "What I
need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." -- Lykes
Lines Shipping "E-mail is
not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for
company business." -- Electric Boat Company "This
project is so important, we can't let things that are more important
interfere with it." -- United Parcel Service "Doing it
right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." --Anonymous "No one
will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for
months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time
to tell them." -- 3M Corp. "My boss
spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed
corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit
it. The disk I gave her was write-protected." -- Dell Computers "Teamwork
is a lot of people doing what I say." -- Citrix Corporation "My sister
passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he
said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day
of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,
"That would be better for me." -- FTD Florists "We know
that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it
with the employees." -- AT&T Long Lines Division "We
recently received a memo from senior management saying: "This is to
inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the memo mentioned
above." -- Microsoft Corp. "One day my
Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was
working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I
wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
-- Hallmark Greeting Cards As director of
communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's
training programs and materials. In the body of the memo, in one of the
sentences, I mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of
the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive
committee, I was called into the HR director's office, and told that the
executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked
why, I was told that she would not stand for perverts (pedophiles?) working
in her company. Finally, he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand
that I be fired and the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR manager
was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and
made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry.
He would take care of it. Two days later,
a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words that could not
be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month
later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my
resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. -- Taco
Bell Corporation |