Meeting with “the two Bobs” in Office Space (1999)
Source: pantherqu33n.vox.com/ library/posts/2007/02/

Biggest Lies Heard by Technical Writers

http://www.documentia.ca/lies.htm

This list is the result of a thread started on the Techwr-l listserver group about the biggest lies we, as technical writers, hear on an almost weekly basis. I'd love to give credit, but there were about as many people as lies in this list.

1. I'll take it along and read it on the plane.

2. I'll read it over the weekend.

3. I'll return this to you, with my comments, by the end of the week?

4. On Monday: We need it by Friday (after doing a little digging, you discover that they've known about this project for 6 weeks, but are only getting around to telling you now. More digging reveals that they can really wait until next week).

5. Nobody reads the manuals, anyway!

6. Code will be frozen 12 weeks before your document is due.

7. There's plenty of time in the schedule for these changes.

8. I don't really have an opinion on how you labeled those controls.

9. One space, two spaces. It doesn't matter to me.

10. We're ordering you a faster computer and a 21" monitor tomorrow.

11. Our company takes great pride in its technical documentation.

12. We've never had any complaints about our documentation.

13. You'll have the full support of upper management.

14. We're very committed here to producing top of the line documentation.

15. Our TWs are respected members of the development team.

16. You'll have the opportunity to learn the latest tools here.

17. We're going to be moving to online documentation within the next six months.

18. What do you mean you need to know the product name now? Can't you just do a search and replace right before you go to the printer?

19. Nobody expects you to take notes or write up the minutes if you attend our development meetings.

20. The style guide covers every possible situation.

21. The manual is the first thing that the user goes to after installing the product.

22. Our readers always notice and care deeply if there are two spaces after a period, if bullets are square instead of round, and if the font is Verdana instead of Arial.

23. Your pay is within close range of the developer's.

24. You'll never perform a non-writing task.

25. Designers and developers will ask for and respect your opinion on GUI design, layout, and functionality.

26. You should have a fully functional product in your hands in plenty of time to complete your document.

27. Don't worry. Your document probably will not need to be translated.

28. The product's so intuitive, it practically writes the manual itself.

29. Nobody here is going to offer anything but constructive criticism about your work. There are no ego problems. We're a team.

30. Your computer and software is every bit up-to-date as the ones they have in Engineering.

31. You won't be thought of as a nuisance by the SME's. They accept that you're a peer and respect that you have a job to do.

32. You don't need to know anything about a computer except how to turn it on and work the word processor.

33. The work is simple. Just write down what the thing does and how to do it.

34. Oh, there's just one major feature change and some bug fixes.

35. Don't worry...

36. This is the latest copy...

37. It's still in review...

38. It's at the printer...

39. It's due back from the printer today...

40. We're going to make the deadline...

41. This is the latest copy of the software.

42. Take it from me, this is how the feature is going to work.

43. All the information you need is in the specs.

44. Don't worry. You'll get my comments on your manual tomorrow. I swear.

45. The procedure should only take a page, two at the most.

46. No rush.

47. We are an equal opportunity employer.

48. We're all just one big happy family.

49. We have no lawsuits pending.

50. Our stock options are growing and you can purchase on the employee plan.

51. Communication is our priority.

52. Teamwork is our middle name.

53. The software is frozen.

54. I'd make that more abstract. We'll make sure you have everything you need to get the job done.

55. As the tech writer at our company, you will have full, unrestricted access to the development team's time and resources.